Caught in a Shame Spiral? You’re Not Alone - Here’s How to Cope
If you’ve ever found yourself replaying mistakes over and over, feeling like you’ll never be good enough, and sinking deeper into that pit of self-criticism, you’re not alone. Shame spirals are painful and isolating — a cycle of shame that feels impossible to break. And for many, especially those who’ve been through trauma or traumatic experiences, these spirals can intensify over time, leading to feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and deep disconnection from others.
But here’s the thing: shame is a natural (though painful) human emotion — and there are ways to cope and interrupt the spiral. You can start overcoming shame and reconnect with your sense of worth.
We’ll gently explore:
What a shame spiral is — and why it happens
How trauma and the shame spiral are often intimately linked
Compassionate ways to deal with shame in the moment
How to break free from the cycle of shame and start healing
If this resonates, our therapists are here to help you on this journey.
What Is a Shame Spiral — and Why Does It Feel So Hard to Escape?
If you’ve ever been caught in a shame spiral, you know how quickly it can pull you under. One small mistake or awkward moment leads to a feeling of shame, which then sparks a wave of negative self-talk, self-criticism, and that painful belief that “something is wrong with me.” Before you know it, you're stuck in a spiral of negative self-perception, and no matter how hard you try to shake it off, it just keeps spinning.
So why is shame so powerful — and why does it feel so hard to escape?
Understanding the Cycle of Shame
Shame often works like a loop — once it starts, it feeds itself. Here’s how the cycle of shame usually unfolds:
Trigger: Something happens — maybe you make a mistake, get criticized, or even just remember a past moment that caused embarrassment.
Negative thoughts: The event sparks negative self-talk like “I’m such a failure.”
Self-criticism and isolation: You begin to withdraw from others, feeling fundamentally flawed, which only deepens the isolation and distress.
More shame: The more you pull away or judge yourself, the stronger the feeling of shame, leading to a spiral that can be hard to stop.
Additional Reading: Discover why Perfectionism Isn’t Helping You—Here’s What to Do Instead.
Shame and Trauma: Why Old Wounds Make Shame Spiraling Worse
For many people, especially trauma survivors, shame and trauma are deeply connected. If you’ve been through traumatic experiences, even small things — a misunderstanding, a mistake — can escalate into a full-blown shame spiral. Trauma often leaves people with distorted beliefs about their self-worth, beliefs that perpetuate feelings of shame.
And if this feels familiar to you, please know — you’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. Shame can also be a natural response to painful life events. But here’s the good news: Healing is possible. The antidote to shame? Self-compassion.
How to Deal with Shame in the Moment
The first step to healing from shame is simply to acknowledge it. And while that might sound simple, we know it’s hard — especially when you’re flooded with thoughts like “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I just get over this?”
Here’s the truth: Self-compassion is one of the most powerful antidotes to shame. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that cultivating self-compassion can alleviate shame and build back self-esteem. But how do we actually do this in the moment when shame often makes us want to hide?
First Step: Name the Shame
Instead of letting shame take over, start by acknowledging it. Recognizing when you’re experiencing shame is a key act of self-awareness — and it’s often the first step in breaking the spiral.
Try saying to yourself:
“This is shame talking — not the truth about me.”
“I’m feeling a deep sense of shame right now, and I don’t have to believe everything it says.”
“I am not my mistakes.”
Practicing Self-Compassion (Even When You Want to Hide)
When shame hits, we often may isolate or turn inward. But self-compassion invites us to do the opposite — to respond with kindness.
Here are a few ways to practice self-compassion when shame feels overwhelming:
Gentle self-talk: Remind yourself you’re human and everyone makes mistakes.
Grounding techniques: Take slow, deep breaths to calm the somatic sensations of shame.
Reach out to a trusted person: Connection is a powerful antidote to shame — a reminder that you deserve validation and support.
Additional Reading: Learn How to Overcome Social Anxiety Disorder: Tips to Feel More at Ease Around Others.
If you’re ready for more tools to deal with shame and build self-worth, our mental health professionals at Ritenour Counseling are here to help you find healing.
Long-Term Ways to Break the Cycle of Shame
If you’ve been caught in the cycle of shame for a long time, you might wonder, “Will I always feel this way?” The answer is no — but healing takes time and intention. The good news? There are real ways to regain a sense of self-worth and foster resilience. And you don’t have to do it alone.
Building Shame Resilience: Learning to Interrupt the Spiral
Breaking free from shame spiraling starts with learning to notice when shame is creeping in and interrupting those patterns before they take over. Shame and self-blame might have been your brain’s way of coping with traumatic events, but they don’t have to define you.
Here are a few ways to start building shame resilience:
Recognize shame triggers — noticing when shame shows up and what sets it off.
Challenge negative thoughts that tell you you are not enough.
Lean into safe relationships that remind you of your worth. Healing happens in safe spaces, not in isolation.
Practice positive affirmations to gently replace self-judgment with compassion.
Additional Reading: You might also want to read Stress Management Made Simple: Practical Tips for a Calmer Life.
Rewriting the Story: Healing from Trauma and the Shame Spiral
If trauma is part of your story, working through it is a big part of breaking the shame cycle. Therapists work with clients every day to help process traumatic events that fuel shame — using evidence-based tools like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), trauma recovery approaches, and interpersonal therapies.
The healing process involves:
Acknowledging how trauma and shame are connected.
Developing a new, compassionate narrative of self-worth.
Seeking professional help to foster healing in a safe space.
If you’re ready to begin your healing, we’re here to help make that journey less overwhelming. Reach out — you don’t have to deal with this alone.
Ready to Overcome Shame? Let’s Take That Step Together
If you don’t feel like you can break free from the cycle of shame on your own, we want you to know: you don’t have to. We work with clients every day to help them find healing, build self-compassion, and process the pain that hinders self-worth.
Whether you're struggling with self-doubt or the weight of past trauma, we’re here to help. Our therapists are trained in stress management and trauma recovery using approaches developed to help you move forward with less shame and more self-acceptance.
Let’s take this step together—reach out today.